Sincerity

Within the whole month of last Ramadhan, I try to figure out the meaning of this sole word, sincerity. I try to close my eyes from worldly desire, slice by slice as righteous man advice. But this word keep bothering my head, sincerity…, what if somehow I expect something from this world for my action? Then, all deeds that have done already blemish with worldly expectation. If there’s no sincerity in my action, would it be worthy?.
A friend, came to ask forgiveness one day. Ask me to forget a spot which I couldn’t even recall until the day he reminds me of it. This trembling lips never guessed, that my forgiveness would be worthy for someone else, then I easily said “I’ve forgotten since long time,” But after he left, this heart keep on tracking what exactly he has done to me back days. And this act caught me in the middle of ambiguity, whether I sincerely forgive him or capturing the feeling of regret. Sometimes, this mouth easily mentioned sweet words just to get people appreciation, while this heart still grumbling with the opposite.
This temporary objective already create a war inside heart, and bring nothing but diminish sincerity which should be lay down as a base. How could I ever able to change this ragged clothes covering my heart with something pure and honest. While it still arguing something which should be entomb from the beginning.
This alert mind keep on pronouncing, losing a friend will become a misfortune, not only while we lived but after that too. It’s always feel better to let it go and leave it all behind, and I do hope this feeling will eventually last forever. In my previous post, I write if a friend done a mistake just write it down on the sand, so the wind will easily erase them. It is weird, that today I write something expressing the opposite. But sometimes, this matter indeed pass us by within our days, and I prefer keep trying to write it down on the sand to find out the true meaning of sincerity one day.